Do you know how long it takes the average person to feel uncomfortable with silence?

Four seconds.

That’s what three Dutch researchers found back in 2010. Four seconds was enough to “make one feel distressed, afraid, hurt, and rejected.”

Many inexperienced communicators and leaders rush to fill those awkward silences with something — anything—to make themselves feel less uncomfortable.

Remember, silence is not a bad thing. Silence is the noise thinking makes.

After reading about this four-second threshold years ago, I began to court the limits of my discomfort and embrace silence. As a learning & development (L&D) director, I’ve now gotten to practice the skill of silence hundreds of times in the virtual meetings and trainings I facilitate.

My colleagues now joke that I love awkward silences and can sit in them for longer than anyone else. And they’re not wrong.

I use the opportunity to take a sip of water, think about what I’m going to say next, and look at the faces on my Zoom screen to try to read their emotions. The silence is a gift.

The Benefits of Silence

I’ve learned that silence offers numerous benefits, including the following:

1. Silence offers necessary space for people to think.

“Silence is a great canvas for your thoughts. That vacuum helps turn all of your inputs into output. That lack of interruption helps you flow.” -Derek Sivers

Many times, I’ve had to stop myself from breaking the awkward silence — only to be pleasantly surprised a few seconds later when someone shares a fresh insight I had never considered. Those extra few seconds can be the difference between a bad idea and a good idea.

If you’re discussing a complex topic, people need time to think. But too often (especially at work), we don’t give people that necessary time.

By holding a few more seconds of silence, you can unlock better insights in those around you. Remember, silence is not a bad thing. Silence is the noise thinking makes.

2. In virtual meetings, silence allows attendees to unmute their mics.

“An expert on speaking also knows when not to.” -Archimedes

How many times have you been on a virtual call and noticed that someone unmuted their mic right as the facilitator began talking again?

Unfortunately, I see that happen all the time, and it’s a signal that the group probably just missed out on a key insight just because the facilitator couldn’t wait long enough.

Whenever you lead a meeting, try to mentally account for the fact that it takes people at least a few seconds to come up with what they want to say and another few seconds to unmute their mic (if it’s a virtual meeting). Rather than caving at the four-second mark like most mortals, challenge yourself to hold out for eight to ten seconds. If no one talks after ten seconds, they may truly have nothing to say.

3. You can use the awkwardness of silence to your advantage.

“Silence is the ultimate weapon of power.” -Charles de Gaulle

Now that I know most people feel awkward after four seconds of silence, I use silence as a tool to get people to speak up. I can out-wait anyone, so if I’m facilitating a meeting, I let the silence work to my advantage until someone speaks up.

This often helps flush out ideas from people who don’t normally speak up — including some introverts who decide they’ll fill the void if no one else will.

How to Lean into Silence

These practical tips have helped me embrace silence as a meeting tool:

• As a facilitator, the language you use implies whether you expect people will speak up. Avoid prompts like “Does anyone have anything to say?” which indicate you’re unsure if anyone wants to speak up.
• Instead, imply that multiple people will want to share, like “Who wants to share their idea first?” or “Who has thoughts they want to share?” (Sales reps call this type of language “assuming the sale.”) That sets the expectation for the group, and people tend to live up to that expectation.
• When waiting for others to share, mute your mic. Doing so signals that you’re not planning to speak until others have spoken.
• Take a sip of your coffee or water. This type of action also subtly reinforces that you’re okay with waiting for a while.
• Call out the awkwardness. On calls, I often joke that I’m comfortable sitting in the discomfort. I tell people I’ll outwait them, and they know I mean it, so they speak up. You can do the same.

The next time you lead a discussion, tap into the power of silence. It will help unlock the group’s best ideas and encourage more people to speak up.

Silence is a superpower — if you know how to use it.