My Struggle with Impostor Syndrome
It all started when I had the guts to apply for a Director role at my company.
Out of the ten applicants, I was the one with the least experience at the firm. Each applicant was called in for an intense interview with the company founders. I emerged from the interview feeling okay, but still feeling like an underdog. After all, I was up against the smartest, most tenured, and most experienced people from the department, some of whom were already one rung higher than me on the corporate ladder. One of the candidates was my immediate supervisor.
A few days later, I was called into a meeting with the company CEO. They had picked me to become the new Director.
I immediately became my boss’s boss.
I was in shock. Five minutes after telling me I received the role, the CEO and another company executive asked me who I wanted to appoint for several new positions in my department. The experience was surreal.
As fate would have it, I was scheduled to depart for my annual “solo retreat” the very next day. (I spend a weekend in the mountains by myself once a year to think, read, pray, write, and take long walks.) On Friday after work, I left the office and drove into the mountains for my weekend of solitude.
I can still vividly remember that drive. I was listening to an audiobook in the car, but my mind was elsewhere. I was still in shock at the prior day’s revelation. A tornado of doubts swirled in my head.
How am I supposed to lead a team of 160 people? Am I expected to call a department-wide meeting on Monday to address my new team? If so, what will I say? How can I articulate my vision for the department? Heck, what is my vision for the department?
While driving the winding mountain roads on my way to the cabin, I realized that I had no idea what had happened in the past two chapters of my audiobook. The narrator’s story had been drowned out by my mental tornado. I was lost in my own head. I shut off the audiobook and drove in silence.
That weekend retreat was a time of contemplation, minor freak-outs, and furious preparation for my new role. I penciled notes for my first meeting with the dozen team leads who now reported to me. I drafted an email to send to the department. I sketched a plan for what I wanted to accomplish in my first 90 days in the role.
Throughout the entire weekend, a few questions refused to leave my head:
Can I do this?
Did they pick the right person?
What if they find out I don’t know as much as they think I do?
I didn’t know there was a name for these feelings until a few weeks later. As it turns out, I was exhibiting the telltale signs of impostor syndrome.
Impostor syndrome is defined as “a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internal fear of being exposed as a ‘fraud.’ Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved.”
That’s exactly what I felt like: a fraud.
I’ve since learned that these feelings are surprisingly common, especially for new managers. Leading a team is a big responsibility, so it’s perfectly natural to experience some fear and self-doubt.
Researchers estimate that roughly 70 percent of people experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. Many recognizable people have experienced it, including Tom Hanks, Sheryl Sandberg, Michelle Obama, Neil Gaiman, and Emma Watson.
“No matter what we’ve done, there comes a point where you think, ‘How did I get here? When are they going to discover that I am, in fact, a fraud and take everything away from me?’” -Tom Hanks
For me, it’s been helpful to know that all of these successful people have felt just like me. After all, if Tom Freakin Hanks feels this way, maybe everything is going to be okay.
Over time, I’ve been able to slowly curb these feelings, but they’ve never fully gone away. I’m not sure they ever will, and I’ve accepted that.
However, I have found a few ways to mitigate my feelings of phoniness. If you are also feeling like an impostor, I think these techniques will help you too.
Realize your feelings are normal
Many people experience this. Chances are good that the list of people above includes one or two people you respect and deem to be successful. If they’re struggling with these feelings despite their success, that tells you that your self-doubt doesn’t come from a lack of ability. You are capable, as are they.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Oftentimes feelings of insecurity come from playing the comparison game: “I’m not as good of a leader as _______” or “I don’t know anywhere near as much as _______.” These thoughts are unproductive. Focus on your personal growth and what you want to learn to become better in your role.
Keep a record of your successes
When you’re wallowing in self-doubt, it’s easy to forget all the positive feedback you’ve gotten through the years. Because of that, it’s important to record your successes so you can refer back to them later. I do this within my Day One journaling app. I created a journal entry titled “Gas in the Tank.” When I receive positive feedback, I note it in that journal entry. Then I refer back to those notes whenever I begin to doubt my abilities.
Recognize that failure doesn’t make you a fake
You will make mistakes. You will fail. That’s part of life, and it’s definitely part of leadership. Everyone messes up. Acknowledge your mistakes and move on.
“Realize that nobody knows what they’re doing…Nobody knows exactly what is going on. There are a ton of people who will tell you they know the answers. These people are liars. The world we live in is the result of a lot of brave people tinkering, failing, and succeeding once in awhile.” -Kyle Eschenroeder
If you’re struggling with impostor syndrome, try the ideas above and find someone else you can talk to about what you’re feeling. Heck, send me a private note on this article if you want.
Overall, please know that you are not alone. Many strong, capable, and successful people feel the way you’re feeling right now.
You are not a fake. You have earned everything you’ve been given.
