“A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.” -Voltaire

We’ve all been there. A coworker just did or said something ridiculous and now you’re fuming.

But as much as you may want to never see them again, you’re stuck with them because you both work at the same company (potentially even on the same team). There’s no way to avoid them.

Don’t panic. All hope is not lost. Even though it’s difficult to imagine right now amidst your pain and your anger, it’s possible to repair your working relationship with them— and maybe even become friends someday.

Here are five tactics to resolve your conflict and repair the relationship:

1. Find common ground

“Constantly search for overlapping areas of agreement and dwell there. Disagreements will appear to be edge cases.” -Kevin Kelly

When we’re battling with someone, our minds instantly zero in on where we disagree with them, how they’re wrong, and what they did to harm us. But the best way to resolve any conflict is to break out of that “us vs. them” mindset as fast as possible and look for common ground.

Common ground can be found between any two parties in any situation, even supercharged religious and political rivalries:

• Republicans and Democrats both want what’s best for our country. (They just have different ideas for how to achieve that.)
• Pro-life and pro-choice advocates both want to preserve humanity. (They just have different focuses: the fetus and the mother.)
• Muslims, Buddhists, Christians, Hindus, and atheists all want the best for themselves, their families, and their neighborhoods. (They just have different ways of pursuing peace and fulfillment.)

Ask yourself: What do you have in common with this person? What are you both trying to achieve? Where do your interests overlap?

Whenever you’re debating a topic with someone, it’s easy to start with how you disagree. But it’s much more effective to begin any conversation by talking about what you’re both collectively trying to achieve.

Here’s what that could sound like:

“I’m guessing that you’re as tired of working late nights as I am. We both want to make the team more efficient, but I think we have different ways of going about that. From what I’ve gathered, you’re trying to [do X], whereas I think we’d have better luck if we [do Y]…”

Lead with agreement, then pivot to disagreement.

2. Resist painting them as the villain

“Slapping a label on someone is a great way to render them invisible and destroy a hard conversation.” -David Brooks

Our brains are incredible storytellers. And our mental stories have a reliable hero: us!

That’s right. We’re usually the good guys, and that means the other person gets cast as the villain. So when you look at your disagreeable colleague, you’re not seeing Aladdin or Mulan, you’re seeing Jafar or Shan Yu.

As I’m sure you can see, that storytelling tendency can be quite damaging.

One of the best ways to flip the script and stop seeing your counterpart as the villain is to ask yourself this self-reflective question from the book Crucial Conversations: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?”

That generous question cuts to the core of what could be going on in the other person’s brain. It helps you reframe the disagreement from a more neutral perspective — one that assumes positive rather than negative intent.

3. Consider in which ways you may be the villain

“Don’t worry about accepting or rejecting the other person’s story. First work to understand it. The mere act of understanding someone else’s story doesn’t require you to give up your own.” -Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen

We should not only try to assume positive intent on their behalf, we should crawl into their brains to see the world from their eyes.

Ask yourself: What are they trying to achieve in this situation? 

And the most mind-blowing question of them all: In what ways might I be the villain of their story?

Yep, that’s right. Just like your brain instantly painted them as a villain, their brain probably did the same for you. They likely went home to their family or partner and lamented about how they’ve been mistreated by one of their colleagues at work (you!). Pretty crazy to think about, huh?

This isn’t to say that you necessarily did anything wrong. Maybe you didn’t. The majority of issues arise from the complexity of multiple people interacting together in a system: it’s not one person’s fault, it’s the fault of the group dynamics.

“Resist blaming any one individual or group of individuals for anything. Because the problem is that when we identify the bad guy, we are done thinking. And it’s almost always more complicated than that. It’s almost always about multiple interacting causes — a system.” -Hans Rosling

So try to see the world from their perspective. Exercise empathy. Remind yourself that there’s probably more going on than you originally thought.

4. Ask a clear-minded friend for their opinion

“Rather than talking only to people who agree with you, or collecting examples that fit your ideas, see people who contradict you, disagree with you, and put forward different ideas as a great resource for understanding the world.” -Hans Rosling

We all have friends who are loyal to a fault. The ones who would damn the rest of the world and side with us, regardless of what we did.

It’s tempting to go chat with a friend like that after you feel you’ve been wronged, but you must avoid that temptation because those types of friends tend to take your side so vehemently that they rile you up more.

Instead, take the problem to one of your level-headed friends. You know the one: the guy who isn’t afraid to call you out when you’ve done something wrong. The one who’s sometimes frustrating to chat with because he asks questions and doesn’t immediately take your side.

Explain the situation to your friend objectively. No villains. No overdramatization. Then ask a neutral question like, “How should I approach this situation from here?” or “What do you think I’m missing?”

If you chose the right person, they’ll help you understand the situation from a neutral perspective. And that understanding will help you calm down and approach your colleague more rationally.

5. Ask the difficult co-worker for advice

“If you ask for someone’s feedback, you’ll get a critic. But if instead you ask for advice, you’ll get a partner.” -Kevin Kelly

This final tip is the most counterintuitive but also the most powerful. It requires both humility and tact, but it’s a tactic that can quickly strengthen the bonds of the relationship from animosity to respect, then potentially even to friendship.

Ask that colleague for help.

The next time you’re struggling with a work challenge, take that challenge to them. Tell them you know you don’t always see eye-to-eye, but you value their opinion and you want to ask for their advice. Then present the problem and humbly ask for their guidance.

Your request will disarm and flatter them. They’ll be impressed that you’ve identified their strengths in that area, and they’ll see you respect them.

Once you respect them, they’ll begin to respect you.
Once you see them as intelligent, they’ll see you as intelligent.
Once you ask them for help, they’ll likely ask you for help.

This is how relationships are forged. Humility, not ego. Respect, not revenge. Asking for advice, not arming for battle.

As the saying goes, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.” Consider using a bit more honey.

The next time you butt heads with a colleague, use these five tips to rebuild the relationship:

1. Find common ground
2. Resist painting them as the villain
3. Consider in which ways you may be the villain
4. Ask a clear-minded friend for their opinion
5. Ask the difficult co-worker for advice