35 Lessons I’ve Learned in 35 Years

I recently turned 35, and I’ve been reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned these past three and a half decades.

Here’s what I wish I could teach my younger self (in no particular order)…

1. Don’t worry about what you can’t control. The only thing worth focusing on is what you can personally influence. You can control things like effort, preparation, and follow-through. You can’t control others’ reactions, attitudes, or opinions of you. So forget about that stuff. Just focus on you.

2. Strive to learn something new every day. Drink from a wide-brimmed glass of creative inspiration: books, TED talks, podcasts, MasterClasses, YouTube videos, etc. And don’t limit your learning to “your field.” Follow random interests, even if that means learning about filmmaking despite the fact that you never plan to make a movie.

3. Embrace childlike wonder. Pay attention to the little things in life like fascinating bugs, gnarled trees, and brilliant sunsets. That’s the good stuff. Stop and gawk, just like a little kid would do.

4. Give people feedback. The majority of the world’s problems come down to people not telling each other things they need to know: You have body odor. You tend to interrupt people a lot. Your standoffish behavior is pushing people away. Deliver tough messages. Many will thank you for it.

5. Be prepared to leave your job at any time. Bad bosses and bad work cultures just aren’t worth it. Take the reins of your career and leave a job if you feel like it’s slowly draining your soul.

6. Completely own who you are. Don’t hide your passions and interests. If you’re a nerd, embrace that. If you love NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, sing along when their classic beats are on the radio. The people whose opinions you should care about respect that type of courage and authenticity.

7. Hang out with people who know who they are and aren’t ashamed of it. The best influences are people who unabashedly own their weirdness. I’d take a goofy authentic person over a straight-laced showman any day.

8. Work to become a better public speaker. Leadership, respect, and attention flow to the best speaker in the room. Invest the time to be that person.

9. Big things only get accomplished through small steps. You don’t need to know how to do the whole project to get started — you just need to know the first step. Take that step. Then take the next. (Credit: Rob Bell)

10. Routines drive productivity. In many ways, the more boring and predictable you are (e.g. writing at the same time every morning, reading at the same time every evening, running at the same time every afternoon), the more successful you will become. The people who accomplish the really freakin hard stuff are the ones who can withstand predictably boring routines.

11. Make time to be alone. Wake up earlier or stay up later than everyone else in your house. Carve out little moments of isolation. Go on solo retreats in the mountains. Everyone needs alone time — even extroverts.

12. Take long walks. The best way to get an idea is to move your body. Don’t wait for inspiration at a desk. Get up and take a walk in your neighborhood.

13. Find the music that helps you be productive. Music is a trigger for entering a specific mental state. If you want to enter a flow state of creativity and productivity, listen to the same music.

14. Prioritize time with the people you care about. The best way to do this is to write out a list of the people you want to connect with and the ideal frequency you want to talk to them. Then come up with a way to hold yourself accountable to that list. Be the person who makes the phone calls — not the one who waits for them.

15. Close every loop. Most people are awful at follow-through. You can immediately put yourself in the top 10 percent of any group by taking good notes, following through on commitments, and closing communication loops (“You asked for this by Wednesday and here it is.”)

16. Think about time in terms of money. Saving $5 on a product that’s on sale across town sounds great until you think about the time cost of driving that far. Place a dollar value on each hour of your time, then index every decision back to that to determine if it’s worth the minutes you’ll spend.

17. Respect those not in the room. Never say something about a person that you wouldn’t (or haven’t) said to their face. Stand up for people who aren’t in the room, and be wary of those who are willing to talk bad about people who aren’t around. They’ll do the same to you.

18. Ask meaningful questions. Avoid small talk at all costs. Not only is it boring, but you don’t learn anything. Rather than asking someone where they’re from, ask about their favorite book, tv show, family tradition, or childhood memory. Create a go-to list of questions that will help you dive deeper with new people.

19. Give depth to get depth. You can get surprisingly close to someone in a short amount of time by incrementally opening up about real things in your life. Be vulnerable. Be willing to share more info than the basic stuff like where you work and what you do. If you open up, others will do the same.

20. Choose to never have a bad day. Difficult circumstances will undoubtedly be thrust upon you, but your attitude is a choice. In the words of Will Arnett, you can “choose your own weather.” Acknowledge the negative (and learn from it), but focus on the positive.

21. Don’t wait to do the thing you’ve always wanted to do. “Tomorrow” never comes. You’ll never magically have a free schedule that will permit you to do everything you’ve always wanted. If you want to write a book, run a marathon, or learn guitar, start now. Otherwise, it will never happen.

22. Journal. Regardless of how you do it, it’s important to take time to self-reflect. Leave a record of your life and what you’ve learned.

23. Don’t focus on roles or titles. When you’re buried in the ground, no one’s going to care whether your job title was “Analyst,” “Director,” or “Executive.” Only two things in life matter: (1) that you enjoy what you do and (2) that you positively impact the lives of others. Decide upon a “life impact goal” of what you want to do with your life — not what title or salary you want.

24. Prioritize experiences over products. Money spent on trips and adventures creates richer memories and life lessons than purchasing STUFF. Stuff just sits around and accrues dust. Experiences become stories, memories, and friendships.

25. Read voraciously. Most people waste away in front of a screen (tv, phone, computer). Don’t let that happen to you. Bury yourself in books. Fiction will teach you empathy, storytelling, and creativity. Nonfiction will teach you how to live a life of substance.

26. Keep your commitments. If you’ve already agreed to do something with a friend and a better opportunity comes along, keep your prior commitment. Become known as someone who’s always true to their word.

27. Relentlessly single-task. More computer monitors don’t mean more productivity. Same with browser tabs. Focus on one thing at a time and do it to completion. Then tackle the next task.

28. Work in humble, quiet isolation. Too many people get social kudos before they’ve done something: “I’ve decided that I’m going to learn taekwondo, take up surfing, run a Spartan race, etc.” But those words mean nothing until the task is actually done. The only way to write a novel is to write with your pen — not your mouth. Don’t take credit for something you haven’t done yet.

29. Be hyper-present. If you’re hanging out with a friend for dinner, turn off your phone. If you’re on a date night, look into the eyes of your partner. Let your interest be upon the present moment, not the past or future.

30. Assume positive intent. It’s easy to jump to conclusions and write a negative story for someone else. Reframe situations by asking yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?” (Source: Crucial Conversations)

31. Find common ground. In tough conversations, lead with facts and mutual agreement rather than arguments for your side. This applies to everything from sharing feedback with a coworker, debating politics with a friend, or arguing with a family member. Open the conversation with what both parties know to be true, then pivot to disagreement.

32. Steal good ideas. Keep a record of your favorite quotes, books, and ideas you’ve heard from other people. Leverage them in your own life, while giving credit to the original person. (Source: Austin Kleon)

33. Run toward the fire. Do hard things. Growth happens amidst discomfort and uncertainty. Look for the types of projects that other people say are too hard or too scary, then volunteer for those projects. Become known as the type of person who can solve the most difficult problems and you’ll never find yourself without a job.

34. Fall seven, rise eight. (Source: Japanese proverb) If you do hard things, you’re going to fail. View failure like a science experiment: it just helps you learn something new. Then pick yourself up and try it a different way.

35. Think big. Your dreams should be scary. Few people will ever believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Set massive ambitions for what you want to accomplish, then take one baby step at a time to move closer to your goal.

Much of my biggest takeaways in life come back to proactivity, grit, and hard work. In life, you can either wait for things to happen or you can make them happen. Do the latter.

Thanks for reading, and I’d be honored to hear your best life tips in the comments below. 🙂